Junk food junkies are everywhere. This is detailed look into the day of a typical junk food addict. There are solutions for healthy eating afterward. Be advised. This content is shocking.
You start your day with one cake, and two lemon filled stale Krispy Cream donuts you brought from Kroger over the weekend and only one can diet coke instead of three. You cannot really enjoy the sweet stuff with out the salt so you convince your 297 pound junk food junkie buddy, Betty, to go to the vending machine for a bag of Funions. You tell her to a bag too, your treat. You secretly feel sorry for Betty. You only weighed 135 pounds this morning wet and naked because you drink diet Coke and you have not had any kids yet.
Checkers for lunch because their burgers are only a dollar and they are almost as thick as the patties you make at home. During your lunch break you remember a sale they had at CVS so you go there to pick up three family sized bags of Peanut M&Ms. This will hold you for three or four days if you hide them in the back of the file cabinet drawer closest to the floor so your greedy disrespectful co-workers will not find and eat them without your permission. Plus, M&M’s seem to make your day go by faster because it makes doing your work more fun and if it is fun you are more productive. You always eat them trying to eat the candy coated shell away from the chocolate covered nut and then sucking the chocolate off without splitting the nut. It is kind of like listening to good music when you have to clean up the house after sloppy people. Anyway, by the end of the day you have eaten all three bag of the M&M’s but you do not feel that bad about it because you shared almost half of them with junk food Betty and they were on sale.
In return for your kindness and her guilt for eating the rest of your Cheesecake Factory apple strudel cheesecake behind your back, Betty gives you a handful of Red Hots and half of a king sized Snickers bar but you need the salt so you go for another bag of Funions. They are not as fun as the M&M’s and they make your breath stink but they are delicious, light and crunchy. They should be okay calorie wise too because they are really, really light and crunchy and they kind of melt in your mouth a little. You down two more diet Cokes. Five minutes later you feel drugged up with a sleepy like stupor and you are still extremely thirsty so you chase a shot of Lemon Lime 5 Hour Energy Drink with another diet coke because that five hour stuff tastes like pooh said nicely. You try to suck the phlegm from your tongue and the back of your throat and your stomach seems to be manufacturing mud monkeys for explosive release hopefully later than sooner. You hate using public toilets. You start to sweat and your stomach rumbles but it hurts too. It does not seem like it will be polite pass odorless gas. You walk kind of fast to the bathroom passing Betty along the way. You feel much better because it was only explosive diarrhea. You celebrate with a Canada Dry Ginger Ale and some pretzels.
After a long day at work you have a forty minute drive home. You stop off at Quick Trip because you have a little over a half a tank of gas left and they have a great selection of sinfully delicious fat boosters to choose from. So instead of swiping your card at the pump you go inside to camouflage your junk food purchase with your gas purchase. God forbid your husband notices you are spending a fortune again on oodles of doodles, sweets for the cheeks, and just about a gallon sized cup of Mr. Pibb complete with a free refill when you return. So can you make it to the car without opening the two dollar bag full of air and Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Chips filled up less than half way? Of course not! You Pibb rinse chip number 10 and cheat your car out of a full tank to a total of $9.48 of unleaded. To stop yourself from running off the road you choke down another 5 Hour Energy Drink with your keg of Mr. Pibb.
Now that you are finally home it is time to cook. Because you’re malnourished, you grab the box of Frosted Flakes and dig in for a fistful crunch sensation without the milk. As you reach into the pantry for the chili beans you grab the Ritz too because they go real good with cubes of pepper jack cheese. To add a bit of sophistication and a touch of sweetness to your binge attack you pour some Bailey’s Irish Cream into a glass of rocks. Your tacos are sensational but even better with a finale of cherry pie topped with vanilla bean ice cream and Hershey’s Chocolate syrup drizzled on top.
Now it is finally time to wind down with Fox News, another glass of Bailey’s, a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a paper cupcake holder of Pepperidge Farm Milanos to even the score between your sweet and salty taste buds.
You cannot figure out why you gained four pounds today. You have been drinking one can of caffeine free diet Coke for breakfast instead of three original Cokes for the last three weeks! What the heck!
Your promising future holds a fatty liver, adult-onset diabetes, high blood pressure, clogged arteries, high cholesterol, gall bladder problems, cancer, kidney stones, yeast infections, urinary tract infections, colon polyps, hemorrhoids, swollen feet and legs, two super duper triceps muscles insulated with tons of fat complete with friction sensitive baby powdered thunder thighs and a budding double chin worthy of your next driver license photo opportunity.
This is what you can eat to improve your health and improve your future quality of life.
Oatmeal with almond milk, maple syrup and raisins, Apple and 16-24 ounces of water
Romaine and Spinach Leaf salad, with tomatoes, avocado, dried cranberries, broccoli, onions, and red bell peppers with a raspberry balsamic vinaigrette. More water.
A baggy of cashews and raisins mixed, tangerine sections, red grapes, watermelon, Tortilla chips and homemade mango salsa, or a cup of Greek yogurt topped with fresh fruit with water.
Garlic Pepper Broiled Salmon, baked sweet potato, sugar snaps with portabello mushrooms and onions. Homemade iced green tea with fresh lemon and local honey with more water.
The snack choices make great desserts.
Please try harder, your life depends on it! Try because you want to be around to see your kids children graduate from college. Try because you would rather wipe your own bottom clean when you are eighty-five years old. Try because you do not want to die from a preventable health condition. Try because you want to happily enjoy your life to the fullest. I am concluding these words of advice with one last crunch of a Kroger brand 100% White Corn Restaurant Style Tortilla Chip. Crunch!